Friday, February 23, 2007

Things To Do: Before Your Wife Comes Home

Things to do in the house before the wife comes back from her trip:

1- Clear the beer bottles. You'll have enough to recycle to make a millionaire out of yourself.

2- Vacuum every nook and cranny of the house. Especially between the seats of the sofa. To leave no evidence of weed, hash, party confetti and etc.

3- Wash YOUR dirty laundry. Burn the girlfriend's forgotten undies in some remote deserted field.

4- If you have servants. Bribe them to keep their mouths shut. Or put their kids in private schools.

5- Replace broken vases, tables, chairs, windows, glasses, plates and her sentimental china ware. Go visit that old man in the little hut somewhere in China if you have to.

6- Deodorize the house. Or even better. Bring in the HAZMAT team to "sterilize the environment".

7- Kick out the couple passed out in your closet room floor.

8- Tell your buddies that you moved to Timbuktu. Or hire someone to brainwash the big-mouthed ones.

9- Bribe the neighbors.

10- If you had a cat. It has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Tell the wife you sent it to grooming in Switzerland. Or grab a cat off the street and spray paint it to look like the old cat.

11- Return all the cheesy family photos back to where they belong.

12- Make sure the woman in #11's pictures is your wife.

13- Get the kids back from their grandma's home, make sure to give them presents that you bought from the exotic country you 'visited'.

14- Get rid of the tape recordings you play all the time when your wife calls from abroad.

15- Change the billing address of your credit cards. You don't want her seeing your bills saying "XXL Ladies: On Fire! $145.95".

16- Get flowers. Lots of them. Place them all around the house.

17- Buy a diamond. Save it as a last resort measure. Give it to her if she notices something is not right.

18- Check your shirts for: lipstick, residue of perfume that's not hers (get her perfume and spray it all over...hell..DRENCH your clothes in them).

19- Use your wife's concealer to hid the scratches and hickeys you got all over your body.

20- Pick her up from the airport and tell her how much you missed her and how much you truly love her. Kiss her, hug her and bring her home.


(That's not my kitchen. So don't get any ideas everyone.)

Blah :(


Shopaholic Q8eya said...

How is married life?

Zed said...

nice post.. i have to learn these words of wisdon before getting married...

*~Princesita~* said...

You are sooooo busted mister....:)

Anonymous said...

shopa: married life is wonderful. you should try it! ;)

zed: i learned it the hard way.

princess!!! ewps. didnt think you'd be reading this :x

boojam said...

Even after all that sanitation a wife worth the name will know. They have eyes like hawks, noses like blood hounds, ears tuned to note the slightest unusually charming utterance. They miss nothing. It's frightening. Which begs the question, 'Why do we do it?' Life was pretty good dating and hanging out wasn't it? We are such suckers.
Thanks for your comment on booj.blogspot

Anonymous said...

lol..boojam..very well said. I couldn't have said it any better ;)

*~Princesita~* said...

Then get a divorce:)