Friday, February 23, 2007
Things To Do: Before Your Wife Comes Home
Things to do in the house before the wife comes back from her trip:
1- Clear the beer bottles. You'll have enough to recycle to make a millionaire out of yourself.
2- Vacuum every nook and cranny of the house. Especially between the seats of the sofa. To leave no evidence of weed, hash, party confetti and etc.
3- Wash YOUR dirty laundry. Burn the girlfriend's forgotten undies in some remote deserted field.
4- If you have servants. Bribe them to keep their mouths shut. Or put their kids in private schools.
5- Replace broken vases, tables, chairs, windows, glasses, plates and her sentimental china ware. Go visit that old man in the little hut somewhere in China if you have to.
6- Deodorize the house. Or even better. Bring in the HAZMAT team to "sterilize the environment".
7- Kick out the couple passed out in your closet room floor.
8- Tell your buddies that you moved to Timbuktu. Or hire someone to brainwash the big-mouthed ones.
9- Bribe the neighbors.
10- If you had a cat. It has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Tell the wife you sent it to grooming in Switzerland. Or grab a cat off the street and spray paint it to look like the old cat.
11- Return all the cheesy family photos back to where they belong.
12- Make sure the woman in #11's pictures is your wife.
13- Get the kids back from their grandma's home, make sure to give them presents that you bought from the exotic country you 'visited'.
14- Get rid of the tape recordings you play all the time when your wife calls from abroad.
15- Change the billing address of your credit cards. You don't want her seeing your bills saying "XXL Ladies: On Fire! $145.95".
16- Get flowers. Lots of them. Place them all around the house.
17- Buy a diamond. Save it as a last resort measure. Give it to her if she notices something is not right.
18- Check your shirts for: lipstick, residue of perfume that's not hers (get her perfume and spray it all over...hell..DRENCH your clothes in them).
19- Use your wife's concealer to hid the scratches and hickeys you got all over your body.
20- Pick her up from the airport and tell her how much you missed her and how much you truly love her. Kiss her, hug her and bring her home.
(Warning: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.)
(That's not my kitchen. So don't get any ideas everyone.)
Яanted By Mini Я. at 17:59